“Why are you cast down, O my soul,and why are you in turmoil within me?Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,my salvation and my God”. (Psalms 42:11)
The past week, I have been thinking a lot. A lot of not really of what you can call praiseworthy. I found myself to be holding on to a significant amount of grudge and bitterness. Enough to block my view from every pleasant thing before me.
Let me give you a little background. Let’s say, I didn’t really had a ” happy” childhood. I didn’t have friends. Well there maybe a few, but not enough to give me the laughter that every person of my age that I know would describe their laughter was. I was one of the bullied ones. I was always the shy or the timid type so then I could really be the “most behaved” in class. I didn’t think I have something in me that’s good enough nor I was worth anything. So I guess, it could be the reason why I never excelled at anything because trying at that time was already terrifying for me. And all of that is all I could think of to account for every resentment that I had.
Why have I been thinking about that? Why have I held on to so much of my pain, hurts, discouragements and hang ups? To tell you, I didn’t really know until last week, when I found out that those were the very things that resides in my heart but should no longer be in there. My past, with its hurts and shortcomings had me enslaved for I have never really taken time to let go of them. I have kept them. Yes, for twenty four years it has clouded me and my perception of everything. Why is that?
I know I shouldn’t. It is no longer I, but is Christ who lives in me. I am already a new creation in Christ! Everything that I have been is never the determinant of what I am going to be. If it has caused me pain in the past, why would it continue giving me the pain when God’s grace is sufficient for me! Yes, I may have been blinded, but my identity now is in Christ Jesus! Well, I deemed that this isn’t going to be a piece of cake, and struggles will be a given, but what I need is to continue in the renewal of my mind, surrendering everything to God including all of my emotional baggage and eventually letting go. I have decided to capture my thoughts, including memories, and release them If I have to. I know I have to. By God’s grace, I’m more than a conqueror, and I can , for I know, God gave me a spirit of power in Christ Jesus! I may have been hurt but God never stopped loving me. He is my greatest lover, Jesus, lover of my soul.
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